place your jokes here!

Murray and Bill are a couple of poofs Bill walks in the house to see Murray rubbing Vaseline on his chest.
Bill is dumbfounded and asks Murray what he is doing Murray replies he was told if he rubs Vaseline on his chest he would get a hairy chest.
Bill replies that's bullshit Murray if it where true you would have a ponytail hanging from your ass by now!

All i can say is you are all a bunch off sad sad people and you really need to get out more 12 views no reply's and not one joke sad very sad.

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender asks why the long face

A blind rabbit and a blind skunk ran into each other in the woods one day.
Who are you asked the rabbit. i don't know i am blind replied the skunk.
so am i said the rabbit. why don't we feel each other all over and try to guess
what we are. The skunk went first and said you have big floppy ears and a small button tail your a rabbit said the skunk.
Then the rabbit had a go and said you have very thick wiry hair' horrible greasy skin and you really stink. Your a fricking abo said the rabbit.

IWNET!!

Little Johnny was sitting class one day when the teacher said "Now class I want you all to come up with a sentence with the word contagious in it" Little Johnny was up the back with his hand up busting at the seams, the teacher said "little Mary". Little Mary said "I went to see my cousin the other day and he had the chicken pox and they are contagious" "very good" said the teacher. This went on for half the class with little Johnny sitting up the back going red with his hand in the air, finally the teacher said "little Johnny" Little Johnny was soooo excited he blurted out "The other day when me and me Dad were drivin along we saw this watermelon truck that had tipped over and me Dad said "Geez its gonna take that B4ZZA to pick them all up""

got to love the way the forums null out all the good words oppy, you need to be a bit more creative with some words old mate lol.

3 men where in Hollywood looking for a hotel they find 1 on the main street they go in the ask the manager what room numbers the can have the manager says there's room no.7 but the bed keeps catching on fire and no.5 but the bed feels stiff and last no.10 but there,s like 100 fleas in the bed the first man said no.7ll do second pick no.5 and the third man puffs and says no.10 i guess the next morning the manager ask,s how was your sleep the first man says terrible i had to keep putting the fire out all the time second says IM NEVER CUMIN TO THIS PLACE AGAIN I WAS ON METAL! the third man says i had a fantastic sleep because i killed a flea and the rest went to its funeral

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when the teacher said "Class, when you go to heaven, what part of the body do you think goes first". The teacher said "little Mary, why dont you go first". Little Mary said "I think it is your hands miss, because when we pray we put our hands out in front of us" "very good" said the teacher. Little Johnny said "Miss Miss thats not it". The teacher said "Go on Johnny what do you think it is" Johnny said "Its your feet miss" The teacher intrigued said "Why do you think that Johnny". Johnny said "The other day I couldnt sleep, so I went into my parents bedroom, and I saw Mummy laying on her back her legs in the air, with Daddy laying on top of her holding her down and Mummy was saying "God God I'm coming""

An Irishman and an Englishman were working together on a building site, they were sat on the scaffoldiing eating their pack lunches when Paddy says George "Whats that you got there George?". George says "Its a thermos flask Paddy". "Whats that for" Paddy asks, and George tells him "Its for keeping hot things hot, and keeping cold things cold". "Be Jesus, thats fantastic so it is" says Paddy.

The next day they are both sat down for lunch again and Paddy pulls out a brand new Thermos flask. George asks Paddy "so what have you got in there Paddy", Paddy replies looking all proud of himself "Two cups of tea and an Icecream, George"

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:

- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful....


MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I
switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...!
The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home..
Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fuc* ing candles to avoid knocking everything down.
I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?" "Well," said the man "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'


Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'

As an airplane is about to crash,
a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm
going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and
asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make
me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his
shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

HAHA Wicked!!!

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons
from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro
and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He
swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad.
Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's
breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300
yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes
her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try
holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings
and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try
taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

lol that's rude isn't it.

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

.... So they walked past it again...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
... cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle I boarded a ship and
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook
but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the publican.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."